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  • Writer's pictureAekansh Dixit

I’m alive!

“When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, ‘I used everything you gave me.” ― Erma Bombeck I’m still alive. I cannot feel anything, but I can certainly hear everything. I have cancer. Brain tumour, to its severe stages. The people already consider me dead. No they haven’t informed my family. I can hear them talk and they seem to plan on telling them this afternoon as soon as they confirm my death.

I cannot move any part of my body, not even my eyes. My heart skips almost every alternate beat and is slowing down every second. I can feel no pain. The doctors closed my eyes to prevent extra pressure on the optic centre of my brain, which was close to the sight of infection, earlier.

I know I am going to die, but I still am alive. I try lifting my hand, but I’m scared. I heard the doctors tell my family that even the slightest pressure in this stage can cause permanent damage, and I will eventually die.  I do not believe them. I command my hand to lift itself, but it’s impossible. One part of my brain, the ventral tegmental area, dies with that very thought of action.

My heart starts beating fast, and I can hear the beep of the machine go louder. All I can hear is the doctors panicking, as I can make out from their conversation. All of a sudden, I feel a low thud, and my heart stops. Within very few seconds, I lose my hearing sensation, and all I can see is darkness. I do not even know what colour it is.

But, I’m still alive, and they do not know it. I am energy. I feel very light, and I can feel negative. Probably those are the electrons working. But, overall I am neutral. Within few seconds I feel something. I feel my senses back. My atoms clinch together firmly, and I can see light. A white light, to be precise. I fly into it. Everything else is darkness.

I have always wondered what Heaven looked like, or even Hell for that matter. Probably that is what I am heading for. As I enter the white light, I can see all the things that I had done as a human. Every single thing is playing on the fast forward mode. Wait, I pause. My family has arrived in the hospital and all of them are broken. Heart broken.

I look at them, and smile. No smile, actually. I am just a small collection of tight atoms, and the rest of them are trying to catch up with my other atoms. Suddenly, the white light vanishes and I come back to darkness, There is only darkness. I cannot move, there is no body to move.  I only float. Like float in water.

Suddenly, I see yellow light, and a door opening. My friend comes inside, as I realise I am back to my old house. My uncle had brought this soon after we left it. I feel good coming back to earth. I float to another side of the house, when my friend gets so scared that he slams three fat books towards my direction. I am invisible, and all I can feel is a feather touch, and the three books fly through me.

I want to tell him that I am not here to scare him. Actually I, myself, don’t know why I am brought here. I even call out his name, but no sound comes out. He feels it, I know it. Because the next second I see him under the bed, crying. I feel pity for him, so I head towards the main door of the house.

As I try walking past it I get stuck in the thick wood of the door, Or maybe because somebody does not want me to leave this place. I wonder why. I stay there, in one corner. Seeing nothing, feeling nothing, hearing nothing, and moving nothing. I have no emotions, no body to start with, and every few seconds I change forms into something different. My colour is transparent and I feel neutral: atoms are neutral.

I knew there would be no Hell, or Heaven, either. If there was, then why didn’t I see it? Does God exist? Is he the one who transferred me here? I’ll bet no, he isn’t. I did not meet any one. I did not even go through any places. All I remember seeing was my life’s recap, and the white light which brought me here. As I start thinking, I realise that these people of the house want me out of the place. They keep referring to me as Evil Spirit, and they also brought a holy man to do some mantras to remove me out of this place.

After half an hour of the long religious program, I feel even more light. I feel broken when my atoms start losing electrons, and they turn into something else. Within few minutes I am totally apart. Every atom is no more, and every electron has ran into something else. With the few atoms I can recollect, I gradually lose my ability to attract my kinds, and all I can do is, brake apart.

Five minutes after the holy program ended, I vanish. I don’t know what I am turned into. I lose all my memory, and everything I possibly had. Everything is dark again. Pitch black. The next second, I realise I am in a skin coloured bag. I do not know what it is. I am pushed outside by a force, and all I can see is doctors smiling. I start crying because I do not know what has happened, or where I am for that matter, too.

I look down, and I recognise my mother. I smile to her telling her as if I know where I have come – back to square one. And that is how I take rebirth as a human. Energy that I was converted into, had lost its potential, and had attracted itself into the atoms of a small baby girl.

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