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  • Writer's pictureAekansh Dixit

Tunnel without the light.

So, I give you my shoulder to cry on. I hug you real tight. And tell you that you’ll be fine. That I’ll be beside you and help you through this. I’ll be there for you. And while I’m doing that, out of nowhere, you take out a knife and stab me. I ignore it, and tell you to calm down. We can still fix it. And then you don’t listen, you stab me again. In the same place. And stab me again. And stab me again. And again. In the same fucking place. And there comes a point where it hurts so bad and I’m bleeding so bad that the blood from my stomach looks like a waterfall, and I’m still hugging you trying my best to calm you down, but then the hurt gets unbearable and I feel like I’m going to die. And then I think of Ann. And my family. And how they need me alive than dead. And for once in my life, I be selfish – only because some few very deserving people need me to be there for them – and I push you away.

I push you away and try to walk away from you. Without saying any word. Without complaining. Without trying to ask you to justify why you almost stabbed me to death. And while I’m walking away from you, you shout out my name. Even though I was walking away from you, the brother in me forced me turn back and look at you. I looked at you, and you asked me to stay. You asked me to forgive you.

But the damage was done. The mental trauma, the pain, the hurt, everything that I went through, was so intense when you stabbed me that I couldn’t forgive you. The wounds were still fresh. Still bleeding, and every time you spoke to me, all I could picture was you stabbing me and it made me really uncomfortable. But being the brother I am, I told you I need time. Physical wounds come and go. I need time for my wounds to heal. And as soon as they heal, I will come right back to you to talk again. To sort all of this again.

And while I’m walking away from you, trying really hard to heal all of the wounds you made me go through, trying all that I can to heal them faster, the wounds were so deep this time that they just won’t listen. They’re taking their own sweet time to heal. And while I’m healing and preparing for a comeback, you suddenly come to me and tell me that you’re tired of waiting for me to come back. And that you don’t want me anymore. And that leaves me broken. I suffered all your stabs, and was ready to forgive all of that and come back, and you couldn’t even give me enough time to heal? To ever understand what I went through? And you say that “I’m tired of waiting for you”? This breaks my heart and this is exactly when I give up on you.

Well, buddy. I don’t know anymore. All of this feels like a fight for a lost cause.

Driving into the storm, like we’ve got our backs covered. “I watch your back, and you tell me what I’ve missed. Together we can drive through this foggy storm and make it out alive.”

With that thought, we let our destinies take control of our steering wheel. We enjoyed everything life showed us through the car’s window – showing each other every beautiful scene we found on the way. Had a wonderful time together and probably enjoying the journey more than the destiny.

While you were busy appreciating what life was showing you on your side, I manage to see a storm coming our way. I quickly warn you about it, and try my best to avoid it. I see the “warning” sign everywhere and I use my brain to catch the clues and then realise it was me who was slowing the car down. And that we’ll be stuck in this storm forever.

I quickly get out of the driving seat, and let destiny take control again. Things settle down for a moment but then the auto pilot misfires and I see our car going off track. You sense it too. In this sensitive time, we decide to talk it off. We decide to take control of our steering wheel.

But then I realise we both want to go to different places. Both the places are correct. I ask you “is this where you want to go?” You tell me “yes”. I confirm again and then I steer the wheel toward my place.

But then as soon as I turned the car, you shouted at me and told me “bro this is not where I wanted to go” and I’m left confused. The storm is pretty heavy. I can’t go back. We can’t turn around. We have to do this together. We have to stick together. I try so hard to tell you that. But you just keep arguing. And then you get confused and lose your trust in me and you call your friend to help you understand how this car works so that you can control all of this on your own. But the friend you called wasn’t a mechanic. He played the guess work and you damaged our car’s engine more.

It got me pissed because I thought you trusted me. And we start arguing. And we stop talking to each other. Still stuck in that car. And now the destiny is driving us to the place I wanted to go. And for one last time, I try turning the wheel in the opposite direction and somehow the autopilot isn’t letting me go there. I give in. I realise how much I want to go to that place.

I try telling you that. But then all you say is how I didn’t listen to you and I did what I wanted to do. And you keep saying it to me and you keep hurting me. As if the entire thing was my fault. Whereas the matter of fact was, I was sweating and trying really hard to turn the steering wheel around but it just won’t go. You couldn’t see that. You thought I didn’t try.

And then after a good amount of time of argument, I give up. I didn’t want to fight inside the same car. I didn’t want both of us to fight. Once we are out of the car, we can probably run in opposite directions and never look at each other. But while we’re in the car together, it’s better to shut up and not fight and then do something stupid. So I shut up. I stopped talking to you. Because I didn’t trust myself. I didn’t trust my mood. I didn’t want to do anything stupid.

So I asked you for some time. “can you give me some time to understand where we’re going and how I can safely park for you to get out and leave me if you want to?” and you agreed. You agreed to give me some time.

And while I was figuring all of this out in my alone time, something happened and you changed your mind. I was just going to tell you how things shouldn’t have happened the way it did and we could’ve handled it better. Nobody was at fault and yet everything went wrong. Maybe we can fix all of this and drive away to our beach. But then you had made up your mind. That you wanted to leave this car as soon as we park.

And then I think about how I was approaching the happy ending but then you decided not to choose the happy ending and it left me thinking why. Maybe it was because you stopped believing in me. Maybe it was because you just didn’t want the happy ending. Whatever it was. You had made up your mind.

And I didn’t have the strength in me to stop you. I started driving slowly. Because I knew, as soon as this car of ours stopped, you’d leave me. You’d leave me and go away. And I was trying to make peace with it. And then the parking space finally arrived. I had to stop the car. I did.

And then you got up and walked away. And while you were walking away, I realised how much you mean to me and how much I tried to make this all work and yet how I felt it wasn’t enough. And how I gave up too soon. So I call out your name again. You stopped walking. Didn’t turn back. But you stopped walking.

It meant you cared. Even though you were as hurt as I was, you cared. And that was a sign of hope. Enough for me to come and fix all of this. So. I will take this chance. And tell you all the things I’ve ever wanted to tell you.

Throughout the time when all if this was unfolding, I tried to make it as smooth as possible. But you made it so hard for me. Whenever I called to check up on you as a brother, you’d always talk about a mutual friend. You’d always make me feel down. You’d always hurt me by saying things that feel like a knife stabbing me. For a long time I believed it was just your frustration. So I let it pass. But soon it started affecting me. Unconsciously. And I started getting hurt. I couldn’t concentrate on my studies. On Ann. On my family. Or be there for Jackie. Or be there for you. All of it just scattered. And I was so scared to lose someone else that I decided to shut everyone off. I just allowed Ann inside. She gave me strength. Showed me how much more stronger I am than how I look at myself. Gave me courage to accept a loss. And while all of this was happening, I didn’t want you to say nasty things to us. I know you didn’t mean to. But it did affect us. So we decided to shut it off. And we’re sorry we shut you off. But we had to. For us to help you, we had to leave you alone. It just took you two days to realise where everything went wrong.

And that’s where I went wrong. My ego came in the middle and I didn’t like it how you could hurt me so bad and then tell me sorry and I just came back to you every time. It felt like I’m your puppet. And I hated that. And that’s why I didn’t want to talk to you even though I knew everything was fine. And that’s where things went ugly.

And soon I realised my ego was destroying all that I’ve been trying to save, I let it go. And I try talking to you. But then you tell me you give up and I lose my confidence. Now, I’m stuck in a place where I don’t have the strength to move forward, or the will to go back. All I have to say is that no matter what, you’ll remain a special person in my heart for all the lovely times we spent together. And if we happen to encounter each other somewhere, don’t forget to drop by and greet me – because I would still want to check up on you.

Apart from that, I don’t think I’ll ever feel the same towards you, and it’s all that I can say. Take care buddy, thank you for making me stronger. All the best for your future!

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